Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Redeem this text for a blowjob
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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