is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
