The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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