if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
