Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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