You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
