u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When are your genitals available?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
