so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
