evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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