why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
