How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
