Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
