you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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