I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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