I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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