Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
