Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
