we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
