would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
