i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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