I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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