hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
