FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
