STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize