K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
