also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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