I met the friendliest cop last night
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
