ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
