ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We're facebook friends in real life
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
