Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
