So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
