You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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