You're completely useless in the revolution.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
