dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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