Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
