Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
