Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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