Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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