i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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