The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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