Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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