I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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