dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
FUCK WHALES
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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