2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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