he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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