You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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