i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
