I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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