Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize