He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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