any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
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listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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