I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
