I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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