Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Randomize
