Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
