seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
